expectations

i didn't expect to be home now. funny how that always happens. 

something i've always wondered, is why did God create instincts if we are constantly fighting against them? and rightfully so, i might add. why am i plagued with such motherly instincts so soon before my time? why have i been burdened with these desires for so long? it's torture. i feel like i'm counting down the days to a new life, while the one i possess is stewing in it's own filth. and somehow that doesn't add up & never will. 

and why does everyone else seem to get along fine without having to ask all these questions, or without always feeling guilty for enjoying things? i feel like i can never truly relax. i'm caught. i have no idea where. and yet i'm haunted by worry, constantly. but i hardly ever take responsibility for anything. i want to leave, now. but i don't have the energy to stay where i am today. 

can i be honest? i still long for seattle. my heart aches whenever i hear it mentioned. 

i am becoming the very thing i hate. 

pinball

and so here i sit, in front of the oven waiting for my cookies & waiting for my man. it's become such a lovely routine, and i hope it always exists. i can't believe it's finally spring break. i can't believe i'm graduating in 7 weeks. i can't believe these cookies actually taste good...

i love the beach. i love the smell of bonfire. i love the horizon, i love the way my toes feel in the sand. it's always been where i feel closest to Him. there's just something that calls everyone back. i'm incredibly grateful today, for a potpourri of different reasons. and since that never happens, i figured i should document.

cookies are done!

"and so it is...

just like you said it would be. life goes easy on me...most of the time." -damien rice.

so i've decided that i have to do something. i have to stop doing nothing, at least. and maybe putting these nothing words down somewhere for people to read will spark something in me. even if no one ever reads this; at least i'm trying. i'm not just letting the words fester inside of my head anymore. and so if you do happen to come across this...thank you. brace thyself. :]

sonnet 1

May I plagiarize my one desire?
Sonnet, bid me ever want another.
Poetic confinement; cancerous thoughts—
Anatomic minefield, thorn in Thy cross.
As you Love, do I-count no ways at all…
Perchance, love is not made—lest we should fall.
(the rub) not to sleep, but rather to dream
The Uncertain glory (so it would seem).
The world’s a page, the words merely failures,
Sing our duet, O dear heartstring player.
Promise, expectations come at no cost;
If truth lives indeed, why feel we so lost?
This is the way (the world) my song shall end,
Not with a bang…whimper…not with a friend...