something i've always wondered, is why did God create instincts if we are constantly fighting against them? and rightfully so, i might add. why am i plagued with such motherly instincts so soon before my time? why have i been burdened with these desires for so long? it's torture. i feel like i'm counting down the days to a new life, while the one i possess is stewing in it's own filth. and somehow that doesn't add up & never will.
and why does everyone else seem to get along fine without having to ask all these questions, or without always feeling guilty for enjoying things? i feel like i can never truly relax. i'm caught. i have no idea where. and yet i'm haunted by worry, constantly. but i hardly ever take responsibility for anything. i want to leave, now. but i don't have the energy to stay where i am today.
can i be honest? i still long for seattle. my heart aches whenever i hear it mentioned.
i am becoming the very thing i hate.
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